i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
