btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
