I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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