she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
