one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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