fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
