And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
