Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
