Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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