the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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