When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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