I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
