Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
