Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
