you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
