apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
