i just wanna soil my oats bro
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
