God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
