I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
