If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
