woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My liver just had a heart attack.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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