After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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