If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
