I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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