The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
