i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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