I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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