The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
