singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
