thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
