I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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