So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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