This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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