Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
