Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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