SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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