she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
