burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
