true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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