I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i love accidental penises.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
