I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize