dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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