I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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