Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
