Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize