You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
