a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
