Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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