3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
