He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
