About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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