i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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