Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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