I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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