Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
