theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
