Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
