I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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