She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Dick very happy bro
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
