im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
