i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
