just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
